Snippets and Ramblings
So, there's this dog, right? And his name is Frank. And I was walking down the road the other day, with my pet cloud Yut, and I says to Yut, I says: "You know, Yut, I never liked that Frank." And Yut says: "Like him? I had to marry him!"
Once there was a stick insect called Floyd. Floyd had lived most of his sheltered, and admittedly short, life, hanging upside down pretending to be a stick. One day, however, he realised that he'd never really liked sticks much, and they were rather stupid, and so he probably shouldn't spend so much time trying to make people think he was one. So he left the branch, and set off to see the world.
Once he'd done that, he decided to open a greengrocers in the local marketplace. After spending countless fruitless hours trying to procure suppliers for his new enterprise, he decided that nobody was willing to supply fresh produce to a stick insect, and so bought his own tract of land on which he could himself grow the produce he needed to run his store. But, very soon he realised he couldn't push the plough, and so had to sell up and move to Phoenix.
The moral to this story is: Don't let me get started telling you a story, because I'm just crazy.
How to Cook:
Step 1: Read menu.
Step 2: Dial phone number.
Step 3: Give order.
Step 4: Correct order taker when they get your order wrong.
Step 5: Repeat step 4 as necessary.
Step 6: Give name and address.
Step 7: Go back to step 4 again.
Step 8: You're not following these steps properly. You shouldn't be able to get this far.
Step 9: Wait.
Step 10: Open door when delivery boy arrives. Engage in a heated discussion concerning step 4.
Step 11: Pay too much.
Step 12: Realise you've paid too much, but it's too late by now.
Step 13: Sit down to eat it, and realise that no matter how many times you've been over step 4, it's still wrong.
Step 14: Eat it anyway.
Step 15: Wish you hadn't.
In 1638, François de Ruémontage sailed westward from Paris, in hope of finding new glory and riches. As he was sailing on land, however, he didn't get very far, and so had to walk home in disgrace. When he arrived, after a gruelling 15 second march, he couldn't bear breaking the news to his widowed wife and eleven starving children, so he made up a fabulous story about the land he had supposedly discovered. This land he called Canada. When asked why he was not gone long, he feigned ignorance, and thus the myth that he was also the master of some kind of time portal emerged. Many people were understandably envious of this newfound chrono-mastery, and so several people had a rather harsh talking to him, and then killed him rather nicely, all things considered.
One hundred and fifty odd years later, when Columbus discovered the new world, there was a large part of it he didn't want, as it was filled with backwards, French speaking yokels. So he gave it to the French. And they, in turn, realising the chrono-mastery of its people, declared that it be called Canada, in memory of some guy who lied to save face.
Disclaimer: May or may not be an accurate historical account.
'Is there a problem, sir?'
'Problem? Yeah, I gotta problem. This bolognaise sauce is in fact just a dead rat, that someone stood on, isn't it? And that spaghetti is actually somebody's hair. That somebody being the woman at the next table, as it is still attatched. So yes, I have a problem.'
'I apologise sir, this meal is on us.'
'Excellent. Bring me another serving!'
SUCH1010 - Introduction To Subject Changing
Basic Approach:
If you are new to subject changing, or in a hurry, here are some quick and dirty ways to change the subject.
* 'Hey, look! There's an elephant!'
* 'How's this weather!'
* 'So, how about that moon landing, hey?'
* 'So, eating, hey? How's that working out for you?'
* 'Did you see the match?'
* 'How's the family?'
* 'What's that on your face?'
* 'Have you lost weight?'
Intermediate Approach:
These techniques require a little more skill, and sometimes a little specialised knowledge in a given area. However, beware: the inherent risk is usually higher. The intermediate approach should be accessible to most subject changers, but some experience and caution may be necessary.
* Say 'Hey, look over there!', then run away.
* 'Isn't the president/prime minister/king/whatever a bastard?' (Most people have strong political opinions.)
* 'Isn't god a bastard?' (Most people have even stronger religious opinions.)
* 'Have you gained weight?'
* Use subject changing napkins.
Advanced Approach:
* One word: hypnotism
* This requires a little more effort and practice, but once you have mastered it, it is the ultimate subject changing device: Pick another subject at random, any subject will do. Then, ignoring the current conversation entirely, launch into this new one. Many people will be so thrown by this, that they will merely follow you in this new conversation. The beauty of it is that if they try to get back to the old topic, you accuse them, with full sincerity, of trying to change the subject, and thus shame them into continuing with your conversation.
So, what's up with werewolves then, hey? They turn into a wolf on the full moon, yet it usually seems to surprise them. In horror movies, people go:
"Oh no, a full moon! Growl!"
It's not exactly difficult to find out when a full moon occurs. Wouldn't you think that they'd write it down in their diaries?
Friday 24th: Turn into snarling beast. Don't eat Fred.